Conflict Check-In: When to Step Away from a Conversation

Raise your hand if you’ve been in a heated discussion with someone in the past month. ::Raises hand:: Whether it’s politics, war, or other stressors in the world or in your personal life, there’s a lot going on right now. Sometimes having a heated discussion can result in feeling relief. If you can practice active listening skills – you feel heard and you’re allowing space for the other person to feel heard – that can lead to a productive conversation. Sometimes, though, you find yourself in a conversation that isn’t going so well. I want to share some advice with you to help you recognize when the best move is to walk away.

Here’s some signs you should step away from a conversation:

-You’re going in circles. If you and the person you’re in conversation with continue to say the same things over and over again, you’re not getting anywhere.

-You’re not listening. If you’re no longer taking in what the other person is saying, then you’re already not having a conversation.

-You’re having a physical reaction. Are you feeling hot? Sweating? Tapping your foot so hard that you’re afraid you’re going to poke a hole in the floor? You’re likely too heated (literally) to talk right now.

-You do something you regret. If name-calling starts, or you slam a door then things have devolved and it’s difficult to get back to a meaningful conversation (unless there is sincere repair in the moment!).

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Here’s some sentences you can use to step away:

-“This doesn’t feel good. I think we should stop right now”.

-“I’m feeling heated, I would like us to put a pause on this conversation”.

-“I don’t want us to regret anything we say right now, let’s put a pin in this”.

-“I want to continue this conversation, but I can’t right now”.

All these options keep the door open for more conversation later. For more on how to have a healthy argument, check out this short video.

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Please note:

Conflict can be complicated, frustrating and confusing but there are some behaviors that shouldn’t be tolerated. If you are experiencing some of the behaviors listed below on a regular basis, we encourage you to call SHALVA at 773-583-HOPE(4673) to learn more and ask questions about your experiences.

•Physical harm or threat of physical harm to you, self, or others.

•Disrespect towards you, your family or other important relationships, beliefs (religious or otherwise), or other things that are core to your sense of self.

•Gaslighting; making you feel crazy and/or like you were doing something wrong when it was your partner or nothing at all.

•A pattern where nothing ever gets resolved and you always walk away feeling demeaned.

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