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SPOILERS AHEAD
I’ve thought about how to organize my final thoughts about this season of Love is Blind and I’ve decided, simply, to dive into AD and Clay’s relationship. Gosh, who would have guessed that the guy who casually slipped into conversation every 5 minutes that he worries he might cheat, decided to say no at the altar? That aside, here are some real-world takeaways from watching their relationship unfold:
-“Red light kisses”. Ok here is my only positive from the relationship. On their vacation, Clay said he wants them to play this game where they kiss every time they’re in a car and stop at a red light. I love this. Find your own ‘red light kisses’ game for your relationship. Joy, fun, and showing gratitude are key to healthy long-term love.
-“I just don’t want to let you down”. Awesome, thanks for pointing this out, Clay, but actions speak louder than words. Continuing to talk about wanting to heal from your (yes, pretty rough) family history doesn’t mean you’re actually doing it. Self-work before diving into a long-term relationship is so, so important. Friends, therapy is awesome. Do it. Be open and honest with your therapist and patient with yourself and it can work wonders (check out some of our therapy tips HERE).
-“These are demons that I fight with”. Clay talking about not having that model of a healthy relationship/healthy father was a bit heartbreaking. It is so important to understand our models for relationships and how they inform who we are. Part of the goal in my creating Seven Circles was to help people better understand what healthy love looks like, especially for those who never saw it modeled in their home. Clay, I highly recommend Seven Circles for your next relationship!
-“She is the Mother-in-Law you deserve”. AD’s mom is possibly the sweetest woman ever to grace a reality tv show. She is kind, thoughtful, and you can actually feel how much she loves AD. That said, she does something to AD that many of our parents, and sometimes friends, might do: excessive praise of our partner. We have to realize that we are not seeing 100% of someone’s relationship so we don’t know everything. This is a dynamic we see for someone in an abusive relationship. If everyone is praising the relationships from the outside, it might help convince us to stay in something toxic and it builds a wall between us. We may not want to break the façade of perfection that they see. Whether we’re a mom or a best friend, be careful how we talk about someone else’s relationship. We never know what’s really going on.
-“I feel kind of like a sacrifice”. Oy my heart breaks for AD. I think a lot of kind and generous people who like to help others often find themselves in a pattern of trying to save our partner. We want them to be better and we want to help them get there. The reality is that it’s not our job to save our partner. AD and Clay did not seem to have any type of abuse going on, he is just connecting with his emotion for the first time. So their relationship aside, this pattern of trying to keep a relationship alive by helping save a partner is something that often happens in an abusive dynamic. The ‘help me be better, I need you’ is something we might hear from our toxic partner. Again: it is not our job to save our partner. Especially if it puts us in harm’s way.
Ultimately, I think it was right for Clay to say no at the alter, but I’m annoyed that he couldn’t plant the seed for AD earlier on. He strung this poor woman along when he knew that she felt she had been strung along in the past. He was so one-track minded about needing to work on himself that it seemed like he genuinely didn’t realize how much it would hurt this woman he claimed to love when he said no. I’ve seen the takes online that AD did this to herself, that he was basically begging her to break up with him, but I just disagree. She is a helper, and we all know the helpers. They’re in it for the long-haul, often to the detriment of their own happiness. Yikes.
I could go on and on about this insane show but I’ll stop here. Was it bananas? Yes. Was it entertaining? Yes. Can I not wait for the next season? You bet.
Author: Jordyn is the Director of Community Education for SHALVA.
